How to Be Authentic and Stop People-Pleasing: A Dr Gabor Mate’s Perspective

Have you ever felt that you are not being true to yourself?

Have you ever felt that you are saying or doing things that you don’t really believe or want?

Have you ever felt that you are sacrificing your own needs, values, or goals for the sake of pleasing others?

If so, you are not alone. Millions of people around the world struggle with being authentic and stop people-pleasing.

But what if I told you that there is a simple and effective way to be authentic and stop people-pleasing?

A way that can help you express your genuine self, assert your legitimate rights, and pursue your meaningful purposes?

A way that involves nothing more than recognizing the impact of childhood trauma on your self-concept, and practicing some self-compassion techniques?

That’s what I learned from Steven’s (DOAC) first conversation with Dr Gabor Mate, a renowned expert on addiction, trauma, and human development. Dr Mate has spent decades working with people who have experienced severe adversity and suffering, and he has discovered the power of being authentic and stop people-pleasing as a key factor in recovery and growth.

In this article, I will share with you some of the insights and wisdom that Dr Mate shared during their conversation. I will also explain how you can apply his principles to your own life and benefit from them. By the end of this article, you will have a better understanding of how being authentic and stop people-pleasing can improve your mental health and well-being, and how you can use it to transform your life for the better.

What is Authenticity and Why is it Important?

Authenticity is the quality of being true to oneself. It involves living in accordance with one’s own values, beliefs, preferences, feelings, needs, goals, and potentials. It also involves expressing oneself honestly, openly, respectfully, and appropriately in various situations.

According to Dr Mate, authenticity is important for several reasons.

First of all, it helps us to respect ourselves and others. By being authentic, we can communicate our needs, boundaries, and values more clearly and assertively. We can also acknowledge and validate the needs, boundaries, and values of others.

Secondly, authenticity helps us to cope with stress and adversity. By being authentic, we can release the tension, frustration, or pain that we have been holding inside us. We can also gain more clarity, perspective, or insight into our situation.

Thirdly, authenticity helps us to grow and evolve as a person. By being authentic, we can explore our interests and goals, unleash our creativity and potential, achieve more success and satisfaction, and find more meaning and fulfillment in our life.

What is People-Pleasing and How Does it Affect Our Authenticity?

People-pleasing is a pattern of behavior that involves putting other people’s needs, expectations, opinions, or feelings above one’s own. It involves saying or doing things that one doesn’t really believe or want in order to avoid conflict, criticism, rejection, or disappointment. It also involves hiding or suppressing one’s true self in order to fit in, conform, or please others.

According to Dr Mate, people-pleasing affects our authenticity in several ways.

First of all, it causes us to lose touch with ourselves. By putting other people’s needs above our own, we neglect our own needs. By putting other people’s expectations above our own, we compromise our own values. By putting other people’s opinions above our own, we doubt our own beliefs. By putting other people’s feelings above our own, we ignore our own feelings.

Secondly, people-pleasing affects our relationships with others. By saying or doing things that we don’t really believe or want, we create a false image of ourselves. By hiding or suppressing our true self, we prevent others from knowing us. By fitting in, conforming, or pleasing others, we lose our uniqueness.

Thirdly, people-pleasing affects our life outcomes. By avoiding conflict, criticism, rejection, or disappointment, we miss out on opportunities for growth. By neglecting our interests and goals, we limit our creativity and potential. By compromising our values and beliefs, we reduce our success and satisfaction. By ignoring our feelings and needs, we diminish our meaning and fulfillment in our life.

How to Be Authentic and Stop People-Pleasing?

Being authentic and stop people-pleasing is not an easy or quick process. It requires awareness, acceptance, and action. It also requires guidance, support, and resources. However, it is possible and rewarding. It can help us achieve more happiness, health, and harmony in our lives.

According to Dr Mate, being authentic and stop people-pleasing involves two main steps: recognizing the impact of childhood trauma on your concept, practicing some self-compassion techniques.

Recognizing the Impact of Childhood Trauma on Your Self-Concept

The first step in being authentic and stop people-pleasing is to recognize the impact of childhood trauma on your self-concept. This means acknowledging and accepting the fact that we have been wounded in the past, and that we still have emotional scars that need to be healed. This also means identifying and expressing how our childhood trauma has affected our self-concept, without judging or blaming ourselves or others.

According to Dr Mate, recognizing the impact of childhood trauma on your self-concept has several benefits for your authenticity and your emotional intimacy.

First of all, it helps you to release the shame and guilt that you have been carrying inside you for a long time. By acknowledging and forgiving yourself and others, you can free yourself from their negative effects on your authenticity.

Secondly, recognizing the impact of childhood trauma on your self-concept helps you to gain more insight and understanding of yourself and your triggers. By putting your experiences into words, you can understand them better and make sense of them. You can also learn about your self-concept patterns, such as how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you value yourself, and how you express yourself.

Thirdly, recognizing the impact of childhood trauma on your self-concept helps you to communicate more effectively and empathically with yourself and others. By expressing your experiences, you can share your feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, fears, hopes, dreams, and values with yourself and others. You can also listen empathically, validate respectfully, support compassionately, and express authentically with yourself and others.

Practicing Some Self-Compassion Techniques

The second step in being authentic and stop people-pleasing is to practice some self-compassion techniques. These are simple exercises that help you to treat yourself with kindness, care, and understanding. They involve various modalities, such as mindfulness, affirmation, gratitude, forgiveness, or self-care.

According to Dr Mate, practicing some self-compassion techniques has several benefits for your authenticity and your emotional intimacy.

First of all, it helps you to respect yourself and others. By treating yourself with kindness, care, and understanding, you can communicate your needs, boundaries, and values more clearly and assertively. You can also acknowledge and validate the needs, boundaries, and values of others.

Secondly, practicing some self-compassion techniques helps you to cope with stress and adversity. By being mindful of what you are doing and feeling in each moment, you can reduce your stress and anxiety levels, increase your mood and energy levels, and enhance your emotional stability. This can result in decreased fear, anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or depression in various situations.

Thirdly, practicing some self-compassion techniques helps you to align with your values. By being grateful for what you have and who you are, you can discover what you truly value and what you truly want. This can result in increased pleasure, attraction, comfort, or satisfaction in various aspects of life.

How Being Authentic and Stop People-Pleasing Can Change Your Life?

Being authentic and stop people-pleasing can have a profound impact on your life. It can help you to:

• Improve your mental and physical health.
  By releasing shame and guilt, you can lower your stress and inflammation levels, and boost your immune system and mood. By gaining insight and understanding, you can improve your cognition and memory. By communicating effectively and empathically, you can reduce your anxiety and depression levels, and enhance your emotional stability.
• Discover and pursue your passions and purposes.
  By being authentic, you can find and follow your interests and goals, unleash your creativity and potential, achieve more success and satisfaction, and find more meaning and fulfillment in your life.
• Strengthen and enrich your relationships and social skills.
  By stop people-pleasing, you can improve your trust and intimacy with others, resolve conflicts more peacefully and harmoniously, and develop more respect and appreciation for others. You can also experience more love and joy in your life. By being authentic, you can share your true self with others, and enjoy the connection and companionship that comes from being seen and accepted as you are. You can also celebrate the diversity and uniqueness of others, and appreciate the gifts and contributions they bring to your life.
• Growth in your life.
  By being authentic, you can learn from others, and benefit from their feedback and perspectives. You can also inspire others, and offer them your wisdom and guidance. You can also collaborate with others, and achieve more together than you could alone.
• Meaning in your life.
  By being authentic, you can contribute to others, and make a positive difference in their lives. You can also align with others, and work towards a common vision or purpose. You can also belong with others, and feel part of a larger community or cause.

Conclusion

Being authentic and stop people-pleasing is a powerful tool that can help you improve your mental health and well-being, and change your life for the better. It can help you understand the impact of childhood trauma on your self-concept, heal your past wounds, restore your balance between your body and your mind, improve your life.

However, being authentic and stop people-pleasing is not always easy or natural for us. We may face various barriers or obstacles that prevent us from recognizing the impact of childhood trauma on our self-concept, or practicing some self-compassion techniques in a healthy way. That’s why we need to learn how to be authentic and stop people-pleasing effectively, by following some simple guidelines that Dr Mate shared with me.

Some of these guidelines are:

• Be curious and open-minded about your self-concept.
  Don’t assume that you know everything about yourself or your triggers. Don’t dismiss or ignore your feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, fears, hopes, dreams, or values. Instead, try to explore and appreciate them as unique and valuable aspects of who you are.
• Be compassionate and gentle with yourself and others.
  Don’t judge or criticize yourself or others for having a certain self-concept. Don’t compare yourself or others to others or to unrealistic standards. Instead, try to accept and love yourself and others as you are, recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and believing in your worthiness and potential.
• Be consistent and persistent with your self-compassion techniques.
  Don’t expect immediate or miraculous results from practicing self-compassion techniques. Don’t give up or lose hope if you encounter challenges or setbacks. Instead, try to maintain a positive and realistic attitude, and keep practicing self-compassion techniques as a daily habit.

I hope that this article has inspired you to try being authentic and stop people-pleasing in your own life and see the benefits for yourself.

Remember that you are not alone in your journey, and that there are people who are willing to listen and support you.

Thank you for reading this article, and I hope you found it helpful. Please feel free to share it with others who might benefit from it.

And remember: be authentic and stop people-pleasing, improve your mental health, change your life.